My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i've created a new STD.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
