Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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