a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
