So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
