i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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