$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
