You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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