I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
