halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
