My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
