No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
