i can't believe i had my finger in that
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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