Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
