Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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