You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My cat gives me a boner
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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