Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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