Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Im part way to drunk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
