So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
