I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
