Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
