i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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