guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
