I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I miss vodka workout Fridays
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
