just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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