i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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