Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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