I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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