I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
