This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
