it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
