This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
