Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
