I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
