You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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BRING THE BAGELS
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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