i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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