the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
