If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
