i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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