I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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