i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
