Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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