i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
