My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
