You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
