I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
