Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
