Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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