i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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