Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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