omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
