I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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