Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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