well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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