the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
