Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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