the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
