Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
