i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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