keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
