You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
